As the year comes to a close, so does the end of the Overwatch League pre-Season. In a sea of power rankings and predictions, there is a small island for those who need a moment to rest. That reprieve is none other than TGH’s second annual Pre-Season Superlatives.
In this batch of superlatives, we focus on awarding teams as a whole with certain accolades. Players can come and go but a team gives fans something to cheer for. These superlatives were crafted by the wisest monks and the most brilliant Moira mains. Because this isn’t a power ranking, you can rest easy knowing these superlatives actually mean something.
What you are about to read will be, quite possibly, the most devastating paragraph you’ve seen this afternoon. After months of undercover work as a homeless man wandering outside of Blizzard Arena, an investigative reporter reached out to TGH. Their findings revealed that the Philadelphia Fusion are in cahoots with shady seafood moguls. The Fusion tipped their hand when they announced the signing of Phillip “ChipSa” Graham, the source said. With both ChipSa and Carpe on the roster, the Fusion were able to make the shirt that simply reeked of Big Fish investment funds.
It is currently unclear what the Fusion gain by having more people eat fish and chips.
“It is so blatantly a ploy to get people to devour more fried cod and haddock! It has Big Fish’s finger prints all over it! How can I be the only one to see this!?”, the homeless reporter yelled as we walked away to call the police.
Quite frankly, the Hunters should already have panda-themed onesies for fans to buy. It is an outrage that it has come to this. A pajama onesie with the Hunters logo all over it would sell like hot cakes. People are watching OWL in their pajamas anyway, why not make some comfortable pajamas that also show support for the team? Put some panda ears on that hood and now you got a money-making machine. Seriously seems like a no-brainer. It would be the perfect gift for the OWL fan who also loves wearing a full onesie to bed. The people need this product.
Anyway yeah, it would be cool if the team could wear them too or whatever.
Overwatch League 2019 Season2019-08-01 / Photo: Ben Pursell For Blizzard Entertainment
The walk out music has slowly improved through the first two seasons, but not everyone has picked a unique song. With a revamped roster, Toronto could easily look to revamp their walk out playlist as well. Many see “24 Hour Lofi Hip Hop Radio – Beats to Study/Relax to” (now 24HLHHRBSR for brevity) as a calming and soothing playlist that helps them focus on a task.
However, Toronto will use this infinite loop of chillness as a weapon. By mellowing out their opponents, the Defiant will have the upper hand by playing with a normal amount of energy. After one fight, the opposing team will be so bummed out that they will need to listen to more 24HLHHRBSR in order to chill out again.
For the first time ever, Josh Wilkinson was right about something: the Atlanta Reign are absolute chads. With the title of “Chad”, the Reign are responsible for making sure the club is filled with only the coolest people. Most people don’t even know where the club is, it is a secret kept only by the elected Yottachad. However, once in a while, the secret gets out and the losers somehow get access. That’s when the Reign step in and right the ship.
Overwatch League 2019 Season2019-07-06 / Photo: Ben Pursell For Blizzard Entertainment
Throwing fools out of the club is messy work, but someone has to do it. If the Reign remain chads throughout the season, we may even seen one of its members be anointed the position of Yottachad.
In what was possibly their toughest off-season to date, the King Warriors are poised to make another playoff run. The biggest issue will be if the U of Loo can support the aggressive play style of their new DPS Greg “Gabagool” Johnanson. His position has been dicey during his time in Antartic Contenders, but with some proper coaching he should be able to patch up his issues.
The other hurdle Waterloo will face is their inability to adapt to changing metas. They were the only team to be playing full dive into GOATs last season. Shockingly they were able to win one game, which put them above both Boston and Dallas in the standings. With the new 18-team playoff structure being implemented this season, they will need to once more keep their heads above water to advance to the postseason.
In a last-ditched effort to revitalize the struggling team, the Florida Mayhem management will make a baffling move.
2018-05-19 / Photo: Robert Paul for Blizzard Entertainment
The organization decides to rebrand the team as the Florida Mooham. A strange decision indeed, the new Florida team changed their colors from the classic red and yellow, to pink with black and white spots. The higher ups heard the calling out from fans to use the pink and black third kit jerseys more. Combined with the knowledge of how much people love farm animals, the change made sense.
The logo also changed, from a palm tree to a pig wearing a cow onesie. Pretty unbelievable that a pig mascot gets a onesie before we do, but hey, that’s showbiz.
Featured image courtesy of Robert Paul for Blizzard Entertainment
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